Diary of the (w)Hole

First day of manifestation. Brain too tired to worry, so I was as happy and relaxed as exhausted. A girl came to my tableau today. I was a drained teacher after 2 hours of sleep, so I asked her what she wants to do. Not a class design I get high on (giving from my green light zone), but when I heard this, I knew it will be interesting: she wants to write about wind – as it’s her energy – and then somehow let go of it, as it doesn’t serve her anymore. How interesting – I thought – Wind on top of Water has been my new element, but very undiscovered, like loving something without really understanding it. I fell in love with “wind” men for the last year.  More conscious process than before, as I have courage. There’s a strong attraction and a lot of challenging growth they trigger in me, as all they are is freshness, unpredictability, high energy and untamedness.  More from a body than a head, I guided her through connecting to her passion which is different than this Wind element she is so familiar with. She found a new direction: something between Fire and Earth. And homework followed. For both of us. Cause again I discovered that asking for things, taking space and following strong attraction from a vulnerable space can be difficult. It is often much easier to give and be in control. Therefore it’s important to do it. And for me too…

Dorit Chrysler played in the evening, what a beautiful power!

But let’s start from the beginning, actually – if this process has any real beginning, in this case when first guests arrived…

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Day 0.

How often a test/backstage/a prototype is potentially more intense than what it is supposed to prepare us for! I was first witnessing and then adding perspectives to a ritual of rewriting a past scenario that never properly closed an important chapter between old lovers. Saying a proper goodbye that never really happened months ago. I cried. Because they were so courageous and present. Because it was a deep, long-term love connection with passion and awareness that I haven’t experienced with this new paradigm that vulnerability, not hiding, is a real treasure. And because I could really feel and empathize with both her and him. Katharsis. Transformation using strong, performative space.

And from amongst other interesting encounters, there was one exploring yellow light of intimacy, for both sides…and that’s what I am most interested in, I guess. In this way working for the Sisters Academy could be the best job I have ever had.

I thought that the most important sharing of the day would be that I found a new clue about what I am really searching for: I want to create frames where each person fishes something precious out while we are connecting different curiosities/desires, like creating multi-personal ‘win win’ situations, connecting elements.

The other report is that we found a useless blender from a chefs mother that doesn’t blend, just moves things. I immediately associated with that art project of fish in a blender in a museum*. Our version would be called a fish-dizzifier, said the chef.

But as this diary might be consistent and kept going for 3 weeks, it feels relevant to write this now as the line of the day: I asked myself if my written sharings would be different if I only wrote for myself. The answer is yes. And at this point I don’t know what I want to do with this conclusion.

*sometimes or often, I bring those intertextual things up, but I am not interested in researching on exact names, contexts and numbers. But maybe some of you know what I mean with this fish.

The first day of visiting gymnasium students. I am curious and nervous. Cause I want to get to know them better and explore: should I – and can I-  take the path of “teaching”/facilitating for them in the future? There are two potential obstacles/potential powers: I don’t speak their mother tongue perfectly and they need to cooperate, have interest and respect to be able to benefit. And can they? Shaping my job path, you know…

When the Sister asked those pupils about the most inspiring thing they experienced within this hour in the Academy, one said: “When you don’t have anything particular to concentrate on , the level of concentration increases. You can concentrate on nothingness.” I loved it. Instantly. And left it without drilling more.

My last class was intentionally a secret lab space for the Mortal to explore what she wants from her future class on fear. It started with buzzing tension and the air of discomfort. It then turned into release, laughter, bond and good space of sharing. 3 people, 3 stories, 3 homeworks…

How can a fear be used for something good?

Fear can be connected (and is often proportional) to attraction and desire. Going for deepest desire is often a dance with fear. Force of aliveness, something important and at stake that can be strangling or transformed into power

Fear (when confronted) can be a source of deep happiness and freedom. I did it! This beyondness that makes us be more who we really are.

Fear (of losing/death) can make one appreciate what one has.

The Alien gave a concert without applause: his ritual of vulnerability.

A stranger’s friend said “I can play other people’s games. But I really want to play my own game. But I don’t (yet) know what this game is”. Resonates. (…and I wonder what kind of contradiction two “”buts” mean).

I love complexity. The human level, the level of perfection. But even something more, I felt today.

We created a complex network of pain and nurturing in the Academy staff today. Well, not only today, but today the network showed itself so clearly.

Blindness is not a lower level of awareness but a precious tool for framing things to be able to work with what I have, instead of freezing in too much complexity.

I am looking forward to another day. Goodnight.

Insomniac energy all over her body, anticipation of an agreed meeting with someone on the (w)Hole’s personal journey (which is not only personal, if the Academy – as well as her – is all about holistic learning). Then he came. The gift became something totally different – a deeper gift, it turned out. Satisfied. But not really, only until second thoughts. Self-honesty. Cause she felt it’s in the combination of those two gifts that can close the ritual of transformation…so the insomnia continued. She rised into the unknown, made a small psychologic act related to him. Release. And fell asleep only then.

A student asked me a question with a deep empathetic concern: “you, as the Academy staff, need to intensely connect with so many guests that come and go. I am worried that your experience is like soul-prostitution”. She really touched me. Especially that I feel that it’s actually us – not students –  that are privileged to immerse in this universe for 3 weeks instead of 24 hours.

Creating a tantric massage exploration class together with Lion, a student experienced with the subject, who I invited to hold this space as a co-teacher..and it has to happen again.

Students are leaving gifts, surprises, thank you! A day of transitions. Of passion, love, gratitude, exhaustion and melancholy, as another beautiful bond – after the Alien – has left the Academy.

Circle of frustrations and all that has touched us deeply on the sheep skin in Sister’s office.

Interesting, “Day 8.” sharing turned into a ghost. That night strange things has been again going on in the dormitory. The post dissolved here and only popped up on Facebook. With “Day 9.” it was the other way around.

I sense some changes coming. I want to feel into and design a new milestone: my burning research question -> a class or other ritual; challenge-play; creative job-searching within the frame somehow.

I am so glad I’ve met the Untamed.

Leaving to heal my ear infection abroad. I have been wanting a day off inside of the Academy. But life served something else. To get me out. So I used it well on wandering and lots of fresh air. As it turned out later, I caught a clear transition between summer and autumn.

The (w)Hole is searching for a job. After her mission at the Academy ends in some weeks. She’s been wondering how to thread this element into her poetic self and her function as a teacher here. Without talking about the outside world. Today at a gathering ‘Agora’ style, staff, students and researchers shared their reflections and experiences. And then it came. “I am searching for a job. I always fall into alertness when meta-talk threatens immersion into a universe. But what I really want is to perform my future job from my poetic self. And I want people to meet me in the Academy and see what I do and who I am. Because it is (paradoxically) more authentic me. I want law of attraction to connect me with those I should be working with. I don’t need to create a separation between the (w)Hole and me, cause they only enrich, extend each other…”

I received a beautiful sharing in a pencil-hand-written letter, and then another one followed, asking me to forget about what I just read.

A spontaneous class, a short one, with four students, taking detour to the dormitory after which suddenly 5 more entered my room, as they just followed us. And something seeded there. I asked them for help and inspiration for a game that all of us will want to play. So we started threading. That ghostly class as new beginnings somehow. For now at least 2 people are also interested in the element of “being seen”. Or was that rather their act of seeing me?

A fight and rage ritual at the Concert Hall, beautiful, I felt those two men, their movements, alertness. And when they were finished, I came into the red ring. Waiting. No opponent stepped out. But I know there were some that wanted.

“Finding my child” at the Academy, I brought you along, my beautiful pregnant friend. Today I asked people to nurture each other’s children. And acknowledge also being a bad parent sometimes…

Attraction to something strange, foreign, other-wordly when this last artist was on stage.

Goodnight.

Cockrouch poetry with Clarice Lispector. It took me by surprise and made happy that I fell in love again. I knew  that poetry can be art, but fiction…

Judy Budnitz and Haruki Murakami – oh, how I love reading them!, but Clarice fills me through almost every sentence. “I am not promiscuous. I am kaleidoscopic”, she writes.

I received a dream catcher, the most beautiful egg I have ever seen…and a suitcase. Thank you! I will unfold it tomorrow, but touched already…

The Translator was back and made so many of the staff happy. A ghostly monday in the Academy and another transition spent between 2 significant beds. That’s where I also took Island to show her my “special moments” spot. And she took us crawling to the evening rain. Freshness. I wonder where my love wanders in the final part.

Imagine that for the first time I participated in a class as a student. The Nurse it was. The power in her voice made me have to look at her. And I saw 2 birds in me: a strong, embracing, leading fire “eagle” bird, and a little birdie that wants to be led and surrender. Yes, bird is somehow part of my poetic self.

Since the Academy opened I have been longing for a day beyond schedules, where not a single time do  have to look at the clock. Now the day off came and of course I decided to go out instead. To experience what I had wanted, I would have to go from full restriction to half-restriction, not to full freedom. Interesting. There is autumn in the park now. No doubt about it. I can smell it without even looking.

My homework from a student {from a drawer of narcissistic gazes into one’s own photo}  There’s something one wants to hide when one looks into own reflection in the mirror. “You want to hide from yourself, but at the same time you feel strangely attracted to that and you want to get to know (this side of) her.” – she said, telling me to find what it is.

And yet another interesting perspective over a fantasy meal (Meadow and Intoxication, your everyday rituals of food&tease, you make imprints!). A ‘she’ researcher finds it important to bring an inner child in when playing with children. Not to enact a child’s game by taking a ‘playing parent’ role, but involving from one’s authentic playfulness. Then it’s real fun. The same with sexuality – I thought – bring an inner child in, not a role (or techniques).

I unlocked an extra layer for someone in possession of a secret map.

A spontaneous autumn evening walk through the streets of Malmo. And unexpectedly the best party after. Sorry, the final party of tomorrow, it will be hard for you to compete…

We danced, 3 of us, organic flow, natural rhythm of sharing, the best of me fished out, thank you!

Morning closeness, you filled my love holes, less was more again, happy. Sleepless night, ‘air stone’ minutes to gymnastics, but before just a little moment of blanket over and eyes closed…